Bittersüß on Anniversary

I want to make a life for myself in Europe, primarily staring it here in Berlin.

Well I can actually say already that I have started one here and two days ago have already hit my 10th month anniversary. I can't believe it and can believe it all at the same time. One of my favorite German words is Bittersuess. Yes it is bittersweet to be here and even more importantly it is good to leave for a few weeks. To non other place than Africa.

I am content, overwhelmed and feeling alive. 

Revisiting again.....

How do you deal with an anxiety to book a flight on a trip that you must take due to several reasons? One possible solution is then to deal with your sleepless anxiety for several days, be not committed to booking anything as originally planned, and of course address it with your boyfriend saying that you need dire help.

After dealing with the issue as listed above, I finally caved in and told my bf that I need his help. Yes it was at around 1:00 AM and yes it was on a Saturday morning already when we both were tired after a long day and a quick trip to Potsdam for a Birthday celebration (disclaimer: no alcohol was involved). So here we were on our bed, bf on his laptop looking for flights, and then a sudden question "Why don't you go to Ethiopia instead, this is something you wanted for a while isn't it ?" After seeing how relatively inexpensive the ticket was, I said "yes." And this is how 4 days before I have to leave Berlin I will be finding myself flying to Ethiopia on Wednesday morning. 

Bigger things to have learned here are of course that life reveals itself in very interesting ways. I did not even flirt with an idea of a trip to Ethiopia right now (though I have struggled with the rightness of my decision of not going there instead of coming to Germany for a "life changing experience already 9 months ago") let alone in such a spontaneous way. But life is like that, it kind of drags you on through a little bit of mud to see if you can make it and then BAM if you survive this period, in a very random way it gives you something that you wanted and apparently it confirms that you actually needed it too. It's overwhelming I think, but also very indicative of how life really just rolls! You make a plan and it plans for you, you just gotta roll with it too.

So I duged out a picture from my old blog that  I posted before my trip to Ethiopia in 2011 (first time in 20 years of my life of not being there then) and now I make a different trip. Only two years later, for a longer period of time, and alone. This is not a family trip but a solo one. Anyways, I'm kind of rusty with thoughts at the moment so basically I just want to thank the universe and loved ones for revealing this trip for me now. It was very random how it came about but it is going to happen already on 2 days. 

I am seriously humbled and very open to whatever this trip will bring in to my life.

Thank you.

This is life - a goodnight message to self

I have so many thoughts in my head. It's overwhelming at times, but definitely feels good to put at least something out here. I'm thinking of the present and the future. How the now can shape the future. How I can be happy and how it would also feel to be happy and see things differently than they look now. I feel how now is so real and how perhaps it's time to say some things out loud so that my intention or vision of the possible future can be realized.

Also I mourned today with a dear friend. In a small moment perhaps which first started with a conversation and then a walk in the nature. However short of a moment it was precious and healing. I hope in both ways.

Two things to remember from today. Living life in the present and doing things today, not putting them aside for some day in the future, is true living. I will ask my friend to tell me in German once again how she put it so that I could memorize this and repeat as a mantra to self. Another thing to remember is this:


"Wenn du dir etwas ganz fest wuenschst lass es frei - nur dann kehrt es zu dir zurueck."

Yes it is all about living life in the present, embracing today and shaping the tomorrow while letting go of the things you really desire for the universe to grant it back to you. Of course this means to not just sit around and wait for things to happen to you. NO. We are responsible for making things happen in our life. 

Period and not the one at the end of a sentence

Is it really just me or some other women suffer from this crazy pre-period phase of complete mental meltdown ? I feel like my brain is having a hard time to just minutely function in a normal way. Needless to say I have had two hysterically crying moments this in the past couple of days already. One last night and one the day before... Sort of embarrassing to be this sensitive and vulnerable and share yourself with a partner at the same time. I'm sure he feels that I am a bit crazy or something, but this the price of being a girl. I really don't like this time of the month a tad bit.

While my brain is melting I have yet to book my flights to Ireland and potentially London. Fun especially when these things are done not out of will, but hey actually this might be a good thing. I think I need nature and definitely get out of Germany for a bit. I need a change of place, people, atmosphere, routine...everything. Also I realize how much I miss my parents and sister. Family, people I love and love me no matter what! I miss just being around their energy. Last week I was faced with a very negative situation dealing with a person who definitely does not follow the principle of:

“If you are good to people, people will be good to you.”

It shook me up, yes. The vileness of the behavior and the ill intentions that have been released for everyone to bare. Alas, some people are this way. But I am working on not being judgmental and rather forgiving and strong to stay truthful to myself and those who genuinely share their love.

work in progress

Life is energy. Energy that is all around us. When I am around people or doing something that gives me a hard time, my energy is very affected to the point of my heart-beating so hard and my body and mind becoming disjointed. I'm working on myself to be in better control of this.

But people and some events and activities do give me tension. In my body and in my mind.

Tai Chi - my new attempt to gain the peace and stability, that I so crave in those moments of complete degradation. Today's training was very, very, very, very good. This feels great to be doing this, and being in such a committed relationship with something that could be so beneficial to your own sanity. I hope that I will have enough of the commitment level to stick with it.

I am a work in progress. Really, just making it step by step at a time. Just like life is.

And after sending a message based on my desire to be vulnerable with the person I love very much at the moment, I feel supported by Evyan's post.

"We've been conditioned to take our hearts off of their respective sleeves & close ourselves off to shield ourselves from potential hurt.

There is a great fear of vulnerability among us. People don't want us to be vulnerable because they're afraid of the feelings it elicits within themselves. 

And even within ourselves, we hear brisk voices whispering in our ears: No no, don't say too much. Don't be too trusting. Keep your emotions at arm's distance. Don't express your heart's desire.

But remember. . . 

When we open ourselves up to vulnerability,  we become fully intimate with life. We let in feelings & experiences that enrich our minds, practically drenching them. 

And with vulnerability, we influence others to be just as open, which creates a gorgeous kind of domino effect of brazen authenticity."

// from the post The Splendor of Total Vulnerability

Yet again thank you Evyan. And thank you universe, because whenever I need your support you send me the right signs.

I came home today and browsed the net....

And "What if money didn't matter ?" - Alan Watts

I would just dance, share love and care, be kind to people, and work very hard to be the person I want to see myself become.

"If it has a groove, then I like it" - Jamie 3:26

Can't wait to party with that guy in Berlin ! 

Thought - filled anniversary

First things first. I love to write. Going up the staircase to my flat a few minutes ago, I reminded myself of this thought. I love to write down here and on all sorts of random bits of papers my thoughts, feelings, and things that bring me straight to the writing table.

I have not blogged in a few days though thoughts have been piling up, some good ones are already gone too. A stroll around my neighborhood today was also very nice.

Some thoughts. I am an emotional creature with ability to feel people. That is how I am and I accept and respect that about me. I don't like everyone but I am very respectful and fiercely private when I feel the need to be so.

I do not respond very well to "you would love her/him/it". Or someone is so eager "to meet you...". Don't get me wrong it's flattering and humbling at the same time, but like I said above I am an intuitive soul and so I have my ways about me.

Also today is not necessarily an anniversary day yet, but I sure feel the milestones have been made in my time here in Germany. Already 5 months in Berlin and 4 months in Potsdam, I am pushing towards that 12 months peak. And here I am at month 9 now and with observations am giving birth to my thoughts of what I have done/felt in Germany. Just thoughts out here on my digital notebook.

- I've seen loss in a way I have never seen and experienced before
- I've seen courage and will for living from one of the most dearest person in my life in spite of a great loss
- I have experience jealousy in a relationship as I have never known I could before
- Some things seriously make me feel so uncomfortable that I can't hide them
- I've been faced with my insecurities (still am and I love accepting them and working on them)
- Past traumas have been faced and I am through this healing finding myself and my place
- I don't like loneliness and I am loyal after being emotionally rescued and supported in very difficult times
- I am a walking contradiction and billboard of judgement and preconceived notions
- I have forgiven myself for many things that have given me a very hard time for too long
- I like background sound (ideally videos, music, and films) while doing something important
- I've had great sex, fallen in love and made love again
- I am having way too much hair loss due to bad water, probably some stress, and weather and food changes, BUT I am managing all of this!
- I have grown up though I physically I look small
- I will most likely someday shave my head
- I respect all of the countries that I have lived in so far
- People are different based on their own experiences
- I like to know where things are going and
- I respect others
- I am am falling in love with myself again
- Damn, I have the guts and the nerve to be here and keep making my life !
- I also realize now that life is moving, even if physically I might look the same and this whole "only moths here in Germany" was a stint - things are real and raw and they are happening now!


This list is a work in progress........

in other news, Berlin is "relatively" warmer